I’m a single Mom of a five-year-old boy. It’s been quite a ride, I’m not going to lie. When people find out about me having a kid, their jaws dropped open. They always say that I look like somebody who hasn’t have a kid yet or that I look younger than my actual age, which I consider as a great compliment – damn I’m 30 and it keeps going with no chance of stopping. But I try to embrace my life each and every day.
People always ask me what happened and I always answer truthfully and honestly – rarely happens in Box Town, people tend to hide things and their feelings away. But yeah, I fell in a wrong relationship with a guy and a child was born. Before he was even turned one, we broke up. That happened and I moved on.
Being a Mom is not easy when you’re not ready. You are faced into a lot of responsibilities and you have to be able to provide and be settled for your kid. It’s like getting a tattoo on your face. It’s permanent, with no turning back. Ready or not, my son is here and I have to be there for him. I have to prepare him a future and that becomes my motivation.
I’m still confused about my life, let alone taking care of my kid’s life. Sometimes, when I go to his school and see a lot of his friends’ more settled, more matured Moms, I always get insecure and anxious. Saying the right things, doing the right stuff, I’m still flawed in all of those categories. When they ask me some ‘Mommy Questions’, the hell I don’t know what to answer. I’m helpless.
I wish I can be more like my Mom, not other Moms, but my Mom. She raised me and my brother well and she’s mothering almost everyone. Knowing the right things to say, the right stuff to do, what’s the next step. I’m gifted with her and thankful for that.
So what do I do now ?
Being honest. Being honest and being truthful that I’m helpless, I’m clueless and I’m still figuring my life out. I want to jump ahead into my settled self, but then I won’t learn about the process to get there. I think God and the universe wants me to hit rockbottom, so when I actually make it to the top, I will feel grateful and not taking it for granted. People might look down on me, but it always humbles me. Feeling like nothing helps us to learn and to strive.
Sometimes I’m jealous about my friends’ more fabulous lives. But then, I’ll never know what they’re actually feeling inside. All I know life is about pros and cons. Right ?
XOXO, clueless but not hopeless.