Truth to be told, 2018 has not been an easy year for me with the ultimate feeling of being stuck doing what I never want to do in life work wise, the regrets of what ifs and what could have beens, the unwanted feeling of destructive self image and disappointments. I try so hard to get back up and feel alive again, to have motivations and the spirit to do something, but whatever it is that I’m trying to do up until today keep giving me the same result : a big ass nothingness. It is a feeling of being lost, of trying to find something that I don’t even know, to see the big picture that never comes, but the faith never comes. I have a big hole in me, a void. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know how to fill it and feel whole again.
So then, people start to gather up and making plans to celebrate New Year 2019. I was entering all of that with zero excitements. Even when the year eventually changed, nothing. I still feel nothing.
People say that there are nothing missing in my life, that my instagram is unspeakably perfect, people often ask me why. Well, I don’t know why. I don’t know what’s happening to me, to begin with. The worst part is, I know that I’ve been self pitying myself. The one habit that I tend to stay away from. So help me God.
Then, I know. Whatever this is that I’m going through, it won’t last. I will find it eventually. Whatever what I call as IT is. I look back and see some dark parts of my life, but it passed anyway. They are all in the past now. When I feel like not knowing what to do, like nowadays, all I can do is just to step one small step at the time to another and just live. Strive.
If all I can do today is just delivering a cup of great cappuccino to my Mom’s office, that’s what I would do. I would do it with care. If today all I can do is just practicing my blog writing, that’s what I’m going to do. If today all I can do is read, I will read. I will cry when I feel like I want to let it all out, I will laugh when something funny is happening. I will eat great food or bad food. I will do all things with the best I can, even when it’s just admiring the afternoon sun light streaming from my bedroom window. I will do all things with positivities. Even when it means, doing nothing.
For the people that living their best lives and doing the job they have been dreaming of, I’m glad for them. I’m envious of them. Whatever quotes you have been reading about being happy for others sometimes are so gullible and naive, when most people are not living so unselfishly. We get jealous when we see girls with better looks than us. We get jealous of someone else’s life. But being jealous never get you anywhere.
So if you happen to be hating your life right now and feeling like a big nothing, well you’re not alone. You’re never alone, actually. It’s called being human. Sometimes you’re happy and so full of life, sometimes you’re worrying what the future holds. Sometimes you’re jealous of someone, sometimes you feel like you’re better than others.
What should we do then ?
Just live. And be a bad ass at it. No matter how small, how unimportant whatever it is that you would be doing. Just rock and roll. I just think and believe that someday I will look back and be grateful for where I will be at. Right ?