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Destructive Body Image

People always say, love yourself, accept yourself, embrace who you are and be flaw some : flawlessly awesome. Those words are easy to say, but they’re rather hard if you want to be all those things in real, everyday life. Reality is always harder than words and probably we all know that by now.

Living in a society that follows the stereotype of girls should be skinny, tall, lean and believing that barbie-body is actually the body goal in life, it puts pressure in some people. I used to think, the smallest I can get myself, the hottest I’ll be and the most pleasing to the eyes, I must be. So I got myself in the gym two times in a day and achieved a super lean, super toned, six-packs bikini body that was sized as UK 6 and sometimes UK 4. Being bullied as a chubby girl when I was a kid didn’t help either, it scarred me even indirectly, even when I didn’t realised that it was actually hurting me.

Then, the storm hit. I got myself into a lower back injury and caught up in a big misunderstanding with my former coach. So long story short, I changed my gym regime and my eating habits and boy and my biggest fear happened : I gained some weights. It’s not brutal, but yes, I got myself into size UK 10. From extra small, to the mediocre medium girl.

It got into my head at first. I was stressed out and frustrated with myself. My metabolism didn’t help either : from the crash strict keto dieting routine into a normal eating habit, the previous diet ruins everything in the first place, making my body jumbled like crazy. I was scared. 

Being in a small city with narrow minded people didn’t help either. They kept on commenting on me getting bigger. The girls were getting bitchier about it and I was scared. What should I do. I was getting more and more insecure. And I didn’t know why, keep on doing weightlifting making myself look chunkier.

So, finally, I just let myself flow and then I’ve found what works for me up until now : boxing and yoga. They deflated my body in a good way, my stamina got back on track, I could eat normally and even though I’m still in a stable UK10 size, I look a lot smaller, fresher and fitter. I enjoy my life more and just because I let go, the universe seems to do its magic and bam, I’m okay and I’m more than fine. 

Probably my body just got bored with the same routine and needed something new. There are so many kinds of work outs in this world and you can always choose what works for you. There are no wrongs nor no rights. It’s about choosing what works best for you – and have fun while you’re at it. It shouldn’t be a pressure, it should build your mind, body and soul into a better version. You shouldn’t be crazy lean but hungry and grumpy all the time. You shouldn’t be small but feel pressure all the time. What’s best is when you’re fit and you feel good. That’s the way to enjoy your body and your life. 

The day I stopped listening to people calling me fat, calling me bigger than before, calling me things about my body, I start to let go and love myself more. I smile more because I’m not working out to be skinny, but to be fit and healthy. I eat because I enjoy eating good and cheat sometimes but I know it will be okay to eat because I work out and have activities to look for. 

My journey took me to Bali and cross fit. When I met my coach Ricci, I told him I used to be smaller and that was me, being big. He said I was crazy. Then, in that gym, I was girls coming back and forth. They’re not small, but they’re crazy fit with body figures. They look good and happy. So then, I thought, THAT : I could be one of them. 

Some of my guy friends and some that I’ve dated told me eventually when I showed them my photo being in my UK4 or UK6, they all said the same thing, they won’t even look at me twice because I look too skinny and too small. I didn’t look like a real woman. Haha. 

So, as I get older I think I care about what I would look like. But I also care enough to be happy. What does this some up ? Finding the balance in everything : working out – eat healthy choices of food, but have fun once in a while and be naughty with cheat meals. It’s okay. Just be balance between everything.

I love coffees. I used to drink just black coffees back then. It’s not that I hate other types of coffees, I was just to scared to even have a sip of one cup of latte or cappuccino once in a blue moon. But when I run a long track and I sweat and my legs feel like they’re going to fall off, why not reward myself with a cup of hearty, frothy goodness ?

Be balance : be happy, be healthy. Love, S. 

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