When we live, there are highs and lows that we have to face in our lives. When we got on top, we shouldn’t forget to look down and put our feet on earth. You can always go to the moon, but shouldn’t forget that earth is where you came from. When we go on our lows, sometimes it’s so devastating, some people just can’t get through with what they’re facing and at the end of the day, they became anxious, frustrated, devastated and sometimes depressed.
I was once an all star fashion student with the biggest dream there is, to move out from box town and landed myself a place in San Fransisco’s Academy of The Arts and will be enrolling for two years as a fashion styling student. Everything went exactly the way I planned it, everything went smoothly. Up until three months before I packed up and leave Indonesia for good, I got pregnant. My then boyfriend convinced me that we should have the kid and get married anyway. Long story short, I didn’t go. I chose to stay and face the consequences. Bye bye, life goals and dreams. I was crushed but I needed to do what’s right and just be responsible, be an adult. And just because I live in Indonesia which has such a thick Eastern cultures and religious traditions, I had to get married legally. So everything came to such a rush. In a blur, I was somebody’s wife with a pregnant belly.
I met my then boyfriend and we dated for three months before this marriage happened. I always knew in my heart that if I wasn’t pregnant, we wouldn’t even last for the long haul. If I didn’t live in Indonesia, I wouldn’t even get married to the guy. As simple as that and as realistic as it could be, we got divorced after a year or so.
When you’re a young woman that barely reach 30 years or age, then you got pregnant and got divorced, it wasn’t such a pretty picture. And guess what ? It happened in box town ! Which made it harder. All people think you’re the one who did things wrong, you did it to yourself, you’re a bad girl because you’re divorced, you’re lethal. I dealt with gossips, bad rumours and stuff like that. And me being me, I just lived through that and kept my ears closed. Everything you do good here eventually will go wrong, and when you do wrong things, you’re the worst. Everything being judged on you because you’re a girl.
People say I’m courageous to be divorced. What will some people say ? Well I don’t care what some people say. Probably they choose to stay in their miserable marriages and judge people who failed on relationships. They don’t define me and they don’t have the rights to tell me what my values are.
I’m still the same old me. The girl who loves art so much, I doodle in every surface that I could find. I colour with every marker I could find. I’m still crazy about fashion even when I have less time to learn but I still make time and try my best. I love to read for pleasure and I love the beach. I love my skin darker and to have tan on me. I love travelling and cooking healthy food. I love to work out and get sweaty. I love taking long hot shower and smell nice. I love to learn new things. I love new friendship. High tech thingy still catches me by surprise. And I’m still dreaming to move out from Indonesia. The only different thing is, I got a baby I have to provide. And I will take him wherever I go.
There are no regrets needed or vengeance provided for people who talked too much about me or judging me. I know that each one is different and the more I think about people, the less I think about myself. So here I am, a girl ready to be judged, but guess what ? You’re judgements will never get to my head. I made mistakes. I believe you did too. And that’s your value. You judge me without glancing on yourself in the mirror. And women ? I feel sorry for all of you, bitches. For fuck’s sake, get over me and get over yourselves.
When someday people actually do read my blogs, I know there would be some controversies according to my honesty. But I don’t want to be silenced anymore. I have a voice. I know life hidden between smiles. And I’m done with that. DONE.
Just because I’m a single mother doesn’t mean that I’ve done everything wrong to get divorced. Because I’m the one who decide to get divorced doesn’t mean that I’m an evil bitch. It doesn’t mean that I go around guys and fooled around. I’ve been single for three years ever since the divorce happened because it makes me more careful and think more. I’ve been unavailable for dating, that’s for your information. Yes I do travel a lot but I always make time for my son and my family too. I get more responsible on myself and others who love me so much, and I got my eyes and heart opened for things that’s been in front of me all along but my pride happened to blind me so well.
I’ve learned and I’m proud of it. I grew up. And that’s my value. There is more in life. I’ll seek whatever it is, and I won’t stop just because some rumours get to my head.
To single girls everywhere, single mothers and strong women all around the world. Be proud. You’re more than just ordinary. You’re awesome. Love, S. XOXO.