I think I was in shock. Or still a bit shook up even like… now. Seems to me that it was only yesterday I was in my Oma’s ( what I call my Grandmother from my Mom’s side of family, it’s a word used familiarly by some Indonesian people from the Dutch language root ) house, picked up after my kindergarten classes are over, drawing things on countless sheets of papers that piled up mercilessly showing off a talent of drawing in such an early age. That happened almost everyday before I entered junior high school and moved to my parent’s house. I swear, it’s so surreal, I thought that was yesterday.
I think things happened, good days cherished, bad days survived and years later here I am. Almost thirty with insecurities. I think I blinked and there they are. Rows and rows of seconds, minutes, hours, days and years that already passed. I saw them in front of me : schooldays, friendships ( in which strangers become friends, friends become strangers, and round and round keep going like that like hamster on the run ), families, deaths, births, places, experiences. And I think, I can see regrets. Things that I just can’t let go and things that I let go easily or heavily. I see a circle of a life. And that’s my life.
People always tell each other, embrace every moments, keep no regrets, live now, life goes on. Theoretically, it’s that simple. When you put it into your life and practice, well some people might be able to do it, some are not. I don’t know why, but it’s a bit hard for me. I’m a severe perfectionist, I think I have a bit of an OCD with me, and it’s so hard to recover from any glitches. And if you ask me, what would I do with my life, I don’t even know the answer up until now. What should I do ? I might ask. People might give me answers BUT nobody can totally be 100% in somebody else’s shoes. I know for sure, I want to do something with art, design, get creative, write, draw or anything like that, I’m up for all of those chances and challenges. But sometimes, it’s just so hard to see anything good, when you’re in a total shock.
I want to see those times that fly in front of my eyes like fireflies. Pretty, shiny, bright and everything is indeed beautiful. Whether it was the time when I conquered the bad day, the good day, the experience or the lesson learned. Even on something bad, I want to be able to extract something good out of it. That’s life and that’s living. To see everything as a golden moment. Solid gold. That’s my ultimate goal in life : perfectly being put that way.
Probably, I’m writing this on my low and down day. But still. Every day is a new chance right ?
I might recover tomorrow and chase my future. Anyone feels me ? Well, nobody’s perfect, even when my feed on instagram kinda is. Social media fireflies ? CHECKED. Totally. LOL
Loving your imperfections, S.
29, and not perfect. Insecure and having anxiety welcoming 30.
Captured moment : Bali Sunday, detoxing myself with young coconut water and charcoal shots. First time doing healthy shots, it’s good by the way, worth a try.
My best friend took this shot. Happy outside, do you think I’m happy inside ? What I felt that day is actually kind of sleepy and exhausted. I was ready to say good bye to Bali for a while. Haha. The sun was really sunny and cheery though.
OUTFIT DETAILS :
Top – Pants – Bumbag : ZARA , Accessories : MANGO , Sandals : TOPSHOP , Sunnies : RayBan
Freshly unpacked gift from a friend’s Mum. She picked these things out in Sydney. I think great friendship takes you everywhere. I’ve never thought I would have a bunch of great OZs as my close friends. So thankful and grateful.
Moment captured. And now it was just only a picture perfect moment. In a blink of an eye, all that’s left is a memory.
This baby has turned out to the the girl above and the girl who wrote this post. Who would’ve thought ? LOL #wink !